The woman’s been through enough. From childhood through adulthood she has fallen down, been knocked over, mocked and through all the years has gotten back up every flipping time she was knocked on her ass.
Through all the years, she has amost always had one or two people in her life that she calls friends. This has been good. They’ve been there to listen, to talk to, to bitch to, to get into arguments with because let’s face it, no two people are the same and as they learn to communicate, the friendships that counted always lasted.
She grew up in a family that didn’t love her; rather, they were adopted her, doing their “religious duty” and although that served a specific purpose, it didn’t give her the security in her heart that most any and everyone craves, especially the girls and ladies. Missing that connection with her father and knowing her mother doesn’t love her, she gets kicked out into the world and tries to learn to acclimate to adult life. Due to the instability (emotionally) of her young life, her attempts to “act grownup” mostly lead her towards self destructive habits and fair-weather friends. There are so many more people in this world who’ll do what you want them to do because you have sex with them or because you buy the beer or … pick-a-reason whereas there are few who stay friends throughout the time of absence. The bad influences and temptations in our life far outnumber the positive ones.
This lady had children, but can’t keep them; she has love in her life – amazing love – but periodically she has moments like this when she looks at her life and she wonders why everyone she’s ever known has forsaken her – why no one calls her, knowing she’s at home taking care of business. He needs her but SHE needs something or someone to call her up, ask if she’s ok. Does she need to go out and play? Go to the store, hang out, go for coffee…something. But no one ever does – they have lives and she feels guilty for feeling so alone and left out of life, work, etc.
She’s not waiting for entertainment – she jut wants to know she’s still relevant, still necessary, still fulfilling some purpose. Hoping and praying that her child didn’t die in vain, that the people in her life who used to be there, used to pick her up and take her out or visit or whatever haven’t forgotten her. If it were a case of “Don’t know what to say” she’s understand but that doesn’t seem to be the case as those friends were with her through the tragedy.
Maybe it’s just one of those days or moments. One of those days and moments where one feels blue and questions everything. Yeah, most likely that’s it. It’s been raining for days and the sun has hardly shone and her boy is still dead and those brown eyes of his still haunt her. She is happy and jovial most of the time but her heart is still broken, even now, almost a year later. She hears of children graduating and rejoices in their progress even as she knows her little one should be in kindegarten right now and instead of putting him on the school bus, she walks by his memorial site which people keep visiting and occassionally put a new stuffed bear by his cross.
She is confident in her God. She is confident that her Creator loves her, guards her, corrects her when she’s wrong. He is her Dad – her REAL Dad and He knows her pain, her misery, her sadness and He cares – despite the stuff going on with the world and global climate changes, the absolute moral decay, etc, He cares about her completely-as if she were the only thing on earth.
As she puffs on her Northern Lights bud, she realizes that as long as God’s in control – and unlike so many these days, she doesn’t (not for a single second) believe God is anything but IN control- and she stops worrying about that stuff quite so much.
The long and short of it is this, she realizes. She has love, she has a roof over her head, she’s broke as hell but not homeless. A step up. A step forward. So what if she is lonely? It’s bound to happen. It’s GOING to happen. God knows what she needs. He won’t let it go too long before he supplies that need. She’s an extrovert. She needs people around her just as he needs solitude. She functions better around people. Staying home round clock is taxing but God is refining her. He is making sure she is ready – for what? No one seems to know but there’s no question that her life has been training, has always been training for it. Whatever it is.
By your grace, Lord, I am ready.