Working on Personal and Spiritual Growth

For months, I have sat back and observed myself struggling with my faith and in what direction it is supposed to be leading me. It began when I found out that Jesus, whom I have learned to love, idolize and assumeD to be God, was merely the re-creation of Horus, son of Isis and Osirus. I have been told repeatedly that it should not affect my view of God but I can’t wrap my head around it yet. I BELIEVE that God is still God and that, being my Creator, is the only one to be worshiped, but let’s face it, like so many raised in the church, I learned to worship Jesus. It’d be so much easier had I been raised with virtually no background and were, more or less, a blank slate!

For decades, I’ve been taught that Jesus was equal with God and was, in fact, God himself. How’s that work? Are you and YOUR father the same person? How can Jesus (if indeed he even existed) be both God’s “only begotten” AND “equal”? Did God come up with this first and then change and fashion his creation inTO a completely different manner than he, himself, came from? Are you both your father’s “begotten” and simultaneously “equal” with him or do you have to grow a bit and work on catching up to your father? 

Here’s why the Osirus/Isis/Horus issue makes sense to me: because it is relatable. Because Isis literally went to the ends of the earth to find her mate and caused a love child to be created between them even AFTER his death (seems to be a very very ancient precursor of artifical insemination, don’t you think?) Who doesn’t like a good romance??!There are enough questions that arise (for me, anyway) in proportion to the how’s/why’s and wherefore’s in relation to this whole issue for it to bear more thorough research to be a necessity. The subject of God as taught by Christians is neatly wrapped up and contained in a predicatable, neat little package complete with Jesus as the bow. There are few questions aside from which new rule and regulation we can throw before our fellow believers cleverly wrapped up in the pursuit of conversion, i.e. The Great Commission. The vast majority of Chrstians are completely ignorant of the fact that we do this, so entrenched in habit has it become. 

And to those who are Christians, I am not disregarding what you believe; if it’s what keeps you grounded and acting right, keep at it, just don’t be disrespectful towards what I’m saying if you percieve that my actions and behaviour and spirit are right in line with what God stands for. Despite my belief that the book known to millions is full of stories being passed off as history rather than metaphore, I don’t discount everything in it, either. Just being PEOPLE tells us how to live in relative harmony with those around us. Being kind to your neighbor, or to strangers when you could choose to react a different way, are both Biblical and PRACTICALprincipals to live by and can lead to very positive relationships. The point is that these attitude norms are for us as people, not per race, per difference but extends to the core of us, not just relearned behavior.

I know that I am in for a long struggle till I’m at a place in my life where disbelief is no longer an issue and acceptance – towards God, myself and my past – is how I wake up every day seeing and living. Right now, life is a series of opportunities, good and bad, and reprucussions (equally good and bad). One day after another until the end of your life. Probably 90% of the world is unaware of this because life for humans is like an ant farm: we get up, do what we do, see who we see, all without realizing WHY we’re doing it all. Is it just surface selfishness or is there a deeper reason for our behavior and choices? A few of us are critically aware that our choices and behaviors are part of a puzzle that is “Who am I”, a question I believe controls the entirety of our  lives. I want to be active in my life. Although forces and factors outside of my life control the direction it takes, I want to be as involved as I can be. Having been created with the ability to speak and write, I have a certain amount of responsibility to use it as much as I can. 

I no longer remember my original reason for writing this blog. I had edibles and I am tore up from the floor up, and am having a damn near AWESOME experiment. My thoughts are a jumbled mass of snippits vibing for control for use and domination. Wow, this is great! I doubt many read this. People are lazy and don’t want to invest so much of their time into spending the time to read when there are so many other ways. But if you do, I thank you so much for taking the time. Time and money are two things we never seem to have enough of. 

Working on Personal and Spiritual Growth

Sativa Cannabis Strains to Off-set Addiction to Cocaine and Amphetamines

Also aids with Ecstasy, Molly and Crystal Meth

          STRAIN            EFFECT        COMPANY     PICTURE
White Russian Alert, Clear, Trippy Serious  White Russian 2
AK-47 Mellow, Cerebral, Spacey Serious  AK 47
AK-48 Cerebral Nirvana  AK 48
Arjan Haze # 1 Uplifting, Social Green House  Arjan Haze 1
Arjan  Haze #3 Creative Euphoric, Active Green House  Arjan 3 (2)
Arjan Ultra Haze #1 Meditative, Introspective Green House  arjans-ultra-haze-1
Arjan Ultra Haze #2 Giggly, Chatty, Social Green House  Ultra Haze #2
Strawberry Haze Creativity, Giggly Arjan  ArjansStrawberryHaze
Amnesia Haze Euphoric Soma’s Seeds  Amnesia Haze
Cannalope Haze Strong, Heady DNA  Cannalope Haze
Super Lemon Haze Uplifting, Creative Arjan  Super Lemon Haze
Dela Haze Uplifting, Active Paradise  delahaze 2
Dutch Haze Clear, Uplifting, Calming Dutch Passion  dutch haze
Hawaiian Haze Cerebral, Euphoric, Clear Arjan  1033515593Hawaiian-Haze
Nevil’s  Haze Strong, Cerebral, Psychedelic Federation  Nevil's Haze
Sage Cerebral, Alert T. H. Seeds  sage
Kali Mist Cerebral, Energetic Serious Seeds  Kali Mist
Cinderella 99 Uplifting, Giggly, Mental Gypsy Nirvana  Cinderella 99
Jack Herer Uplifting, Cerebral Green House  jack herer
Sour Diesel Up, Euphoric, Psychedelic Green House  sour diesel
New York City Diesel Up, Creative, Cerebral Soma Seeds  NYC diesel
Jack the Ripper Speedy, Trippy, Talkative T.G.A. Seeds  jack the ripper
Chocolope Euphoric D.N.A. Genetics  Cannalope Haze
                                     African Sativas and  Hybrids  
Ethiopian Highland Up, Creative African Seeds  ethiopian highland
Swazi Skunk Cerebral, Alert, Energetic African Seeds  swazi skunk
Malawi Gold Alert, Clear, Psychoactive African Seeds  malawi gold
Durban Poison Cerebral, Creative,Focused Dutch Passion  durban poison
Urban Poison Cheerful, Alert, Energetic Nirvana  urban-poison-1
Power Plant Strong, Uplifting, Giggly Dutch Passion

Swazi Safari Cerebral, Clear, Euphoric Flying Dutchmen  swazi safari


Raphael “Herb’n Monk” Hameed and his Sour Grape grow in Los Angeles 2010

My Signature

Sativa Cannabis Strains to Off-set Addiction to Cocaine and Amphetamines

She Shouldn’t Have to Say Anything

The woman’s been through enough. From childhood through adulthood she has fallen down, been knocked over, mocked and through all the years has gotten back up every flipping time she was knocked on her ass.

Through all the years, she has amost always had one or two people in her life that she calls friends. This has been good. They’ve been there to listen, to talk to, to bitch to, to get into arguments with because let’s face it, no two people are the same and as they learn to communicate, the friendships that counted always lasted.

She grew up in a family that didn’t love her; rather, they were adopted her, doing their “religious duty” and although that served a specific purpose, it didn’t give her the security in her heart that most any and everyone craves, especially the girls and ladies. Missing that connection with her father and knowing her mother doesn’t love her, she gets kicked out into the world and tries to learn to acclimate to adult life. Due to the instability (emotionally) of her young life, her attempts to “act grownup” mostly lead her towards self destructive habits and fair-weather friends. There are so many more people in this world who’ll do what you want them to do because you have sex with them or because you buy the beer or … pick-a-reason whereas there are few who stay friends throughout the time of absence. The bad influences and temptations in our life far outnumber the positive ones. 

This lady had children, but can’t keep them; she has love in her life – amazing love – but periodically she has moments like this when she looks at her life and she wonders why everyone she’s ever known has forsaken her – why no one calls her, knowing she’s at home taking care of business. He needs her but SHE needs something or someone to call her up, ask if she’s ok. Does she need to go out and play? Go to the store, hang out, go for coffee…something. But no one ever does – they have lives and she feels guilty for feeling so alone and left out of life, work, etc.

She’s not waiting for entertainment – she jut wants to know she’s still relevant, still necessary, still fulfilling some purpose. Hoping and praying that her child didn’t die in vain, that the people in her life who used to be there, used to pick her up and take her out  or visit or whatever haven’t forgotten her. If it were a case of “Don’t know what to say” she’s understand but that doesn’t seem to be the case as those friends were with her through the tragedy.

Maybe it’s just one of those days or moments. One of those days and moments where one feels blue and questions everything. Yeah, most likely that’s it. It’s been raining for days and the sun has hardly shone and her boy is still dead and those brown eyes of his still haunt her. She is happy and jovial most of the time but her heart is still broken, even now, almost a year later. She hears of children graduating and rejoices in their progress even as she knows her little one should be in kindergarten right now and instead of putting him on the school bus, she walks by his memorial site which people keep visiting and occasionally put a new stuffed bear by his cross.

She is confident in her God. She is confident that her Creator loves her, guards her, corrects her when she’s wrong. He is her Dad  – her REAL Dad and He knows her pain, her misery, her sadness and He cares – despite the stuff going on with the world and global climate changes, the absolute moral decay, etc, He cares about her completely-as if she were the only person on earth.

As she puffs on her Northern Lights bud, she realizes that as long as God’s in control – and  unlike so many these days, she doesn’t (not for a single second) believe God is anything but IN control- and she stops worrying about that stuff quite so much. That is, until her control-freak nature rears its ugly head and she has to battle that side down into submission.

The long and short of it is this, she realizes. She has love, she has a roof over her head, she’s broke as hell but not homeless. A step up. A step forward. So what if she is lonely? It’s bound to happen. It’s GOING to happen. God knows what she needs. He won’t let it go too long before he supplies that need. She’s an extrovert. She needs people around her just as he (the husband) needs solitude. She functions better around people. Staying home round clock is taxing but God is refining her. He is making sure she is ready – for what? No one seems to know but there’s no question that her life has been training, has always been training for it. Whatever it is.

By your grace, Lord, I am ready.

She Shouldn’t Have to Say Anything

Come to Peace Now; Fewer Regrets Later

ap_ap-photo1501-640x436 We are in the last days. I’m fully convinced of that.  Anyone paying attention to the goings-on here in the United States as well as the rest of the world will likely consede that things are declining quickly. Earthquakes, volcanoes, rioting and looting because of the still-relevant racial issues going on all over the country (likely the world but trying to keep this in “my own backyard”) are once more coming to a head.

sn401c_sg_0010b Whether things end like they’re described in the Bible or another way, the decline of society and civilization (or should I say UNcivilization) has progressed to a place where it would take a miracle to return to normal, assuming “normal” was ever anything other than a term used to keep people in their place.

riot42 This is not to say that I believe in anarchy because I certainly don’t. On the contrary, I would rather we sat down and held actual communication over a giant bowl of good herb. tumblr_inline_mlbqz7nWWu1qz4rgp

stock-photo-muslim-protest-and-protestors-with-picket-signs-1041110  I believe the government has no right to tell me what to do when that law violates what I believe to be the law of God, or at the very least, the BLESSING of God. WP_20150312_027 These days, that line has been monumentally blurred, maybe even obliterated, because the God that I believe in is apparently a different God than much of the world believes in, if they believe in one at all. Does this make me better than them? Hell no, of course not! It just makes me who I am and life experiences have helped shape me into the person I am.

right-way-wrong-way1 Nowadays, morality is what man says it is; what society dictates – God’s definition, to most people, is completely moot because man’s desire to have their own way supercedes what he wants and says and even more, no one is qualified to speak for a God who’s been around since the beginning, I don’t care what kind of degree some man hands you or how many hours you study. I’ve never studies Hebrew or Greek but I can tell you that I imagine that the more you study about God the LESS you know.

4219b439833fc71ca821413e836c6847 All of that is not true of myself – I’m well aware I am not God, nor do I want to be – and I have no problem with God telling me what to do because he’s been around forever and I have not. The most recent issue(s) today are the gay agenda and the race-related police killings leading to all kinds of anger and hatred. Both have been thrown into everything. Nothing is sacred or pure anymore, especially not love. What you do with your time and in your bedroom is your business but when you start messing with me and impeding on my right to believe and saying nasty crap to me, I will say something whether it’s taboo or not. Isn’t it funny how one-sided tolerance is? I’ve been tripping on that for quite some time now.

Hands on a globe --- Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis As I stated earlier in another forum, I will add here, because it’s totally relevant to this blog: “There’s no hope left for America beyond the individuals who still love God and their fellow man. The best we can hope for anymore is to teach our children right from wrong, teach them to stand on their own two feet and treat their neighbors with respect and in the end, trust that we taught them enough.”

images Come to peace now. I am talking about inner peace; outter peace is temporary at best. If you come to peace now, you will have fewer regrets later because, in case you’ve missed it, bad things tend to accumulate (like a snowball going downhill) and you’re (and  I’m) going to need to be spiritually fortified in order to make it through. Choose your friends wisely- you’re going to need ALLIES in the days and months and possibly years to come.

God Speed. Go in Peace.

My Signature

Come to Peace Now; Fewer Regrets Later

Long Absence stems from family tragedy

On July 8th, I got up at the normal time, 5 am, prepared for the day and kissed my husband goodbye for the day. I gazed at our five year old, splayed out sleeping his beautiful little head off next to Daddy. 




I went to work that day as always and at 10 pm, I was with my friend heading back to my family. As we turned the corner to my place, there was a crime scene going on; police and ambulances and stuff all over the place. 

We couldn’t get through, so we turned around and went to my place a different way. I went into our empty apartment and took a shower, wondering where my family was. Raphael is a creature of habit and would NEVER have Ishaq (our son) out after dark so I was already a bit unsettled. After my shower, I sat and wondered where my family was some more. A knock of the door brought the first real sense of impending disaster. Looking out the keyhole, every hair on my head stood as I saw the police and several other people were standing outside my door. 

I  opened the door and my life changed forever. It was told to me that my son and husband had been coming from the store and had been hit by a car. Ishaq was killed. Raphael was in surgery, having had his leg nearly torn off. It had been amputated. 

20140709_164005    10537127_10152114973671256_4655963110831394502_n   10513523_10152157779546256_1657693031122822526_n   10553821_10152163098551256_8278471907802352853_o

10583998_10152159723021256_944101682859241633_n  1927922_10152161616046256_4091210365614567478_n

It’s been 5 weeks since this event took place. Raphael and I are not the usual suspects. We loved our son with every breath in our body and that hasn’t changed because he went home to be with God. We laugh; we cry. We live and plan for Raphael coming home so we can just be ourselves. Raphael is in good spirits. He’s loving and caring and wants everyone around us to be the best they can be and to know they’re valuable. 

WP_20140811_14_39_50_Pro   WP_20140811_14_39_57_Pro

We need your prayers. We need financial help. A fund has been set up by a friend to raise money to help us move forward. I will be taking Raphael home and taking care of him. Through the Independence Center, I should be able to be trained and paid to care for him at home. We were on public assistance and I had acquired a part time job just before this happened. Obviously I had to quit to deal with the aftermath. Cash aid is only for people with children and so obviously with Ish’s death, that changed. Until I am getting paid to help him,  we will need help. 

There’s been considerable coverage by local news channels. If you feel comfortable and charitable, please consider helping us.–Family




Long Absence stems from family tragedy

Living a Double Life

Ok, I’ve had it! For months now I’ve been living a double life so that, ironically, I didn’t offend anyone or, more Spiritually put, “put a stumbling block before the uninitiated”.

I’ve been contemplating writing this for a long time…then my husband came to me and said that it had just been mentioned on the radio that the reason that marijuana passed in Colorado was because not enough Christians showed up at the polling places and that’s why it got passed.

Pardon the expression, but who the heck are you? So, because I smoke a plant that God gave us, not only as an ingredient in holy oil mentioned specifically in Exodus as the above video explains but as an herb to help us connect directly with our God as it helps focus distraction (straight from cannabis plants), I can’t be a CHRISTIAN?.

I’m a child of God. I love him with all my heart and soul and would happily lay down my life for him. I also smoke herb- as often as possible. I’m not ashamed of it…so why am I being forced to live a split life? Two Twitter accounts, two Word Press accounts, Two Linked In accounts. It’s insane. Sure, I want to get a job some day and according to the law, especially the Federal law, I risk my whole career on a piss test by smoking a plant that, quite frankly, gets me through these long days of isolation and homelessness. So, do I stop smoking on the OFF chance that I find work-and allow the P.T.S.D. that I keep at bay with this magnificent herb to take over my life…OR do I keep on smoking and trust the God & Creator who made me to lead me and protect me, possibly putting me somewhere (GASP!), where I can SMOKE and WORK- in complete harmony and keep this pesky depression issue at bay? See, I used to be on medication (Zoloft) for the P.T.S.D. after finding out I had it following a three-day stint in a “rubber room” after almost throwing myself out a second-story window but settling for biting myself (so hard I almost took the edge of my hand off). I’d been doing it for years…who knew it was abnormal? Anyway, my counselor put me on it, had session after session with me (where nothing improved and the medication had me running around all day shaking like a Parkinson’s victim and almost constant lockjaw of the teeth- jaw either in lock position or chattering nonstop. People were forever asking me if I was freezing- and I wasn’t. That’s why I took myself off it and learned to cope-until I discovered a wonderful plant that was created by God, had wonderful healing properties and no side affects whatsoever!

You need to understand, I grew up in church, specifically in the Protestant Reformed Church, and by high school I knew there was something wrong with…something. At the time I thought it was SPECIFICALLY this denomination (I’m a lot more mature in Christ now so I know what the problem was and still is). It wasn’t but it wasn’t until I met the man I’m married to now, that I learned to understand the whole point in time in a better light. I learned my catechism, I memorized what seemed like millions (AND MILLIONS) of verses by the time I graduated- even became a member of the church in Edgerton, MN. I always wondered what was wrong with ME in those days…I knew I had a very tender conscience and never understood, since I felt so unworthy, why exactly that it bothered my conscience that I had a tender conscience.  Weighty questions…with no answer that I could bring before the church I was now a member in-why I felt such a NEED for a proper relationship with God-  being afraid of him was a norm- but felt wrong. This wasn’t “the fear of the Lord”…this was “the FEAR of the Lord” and before anyone taught me, I knew the difference.

After that, every church I became a member of brought me a little closer to the ultimate teacher-outside of God himself- and that was (to be) the man that I eventually married, Raphael Hameed. See, I SAW him heal- he healed me on numerous occasions. He was instrumental because he was practiced and experienced and because he LOVED me. Athma. A broken ankle. A broken spirit brought about by a life of bad choices, rejection, loss and heartache. He saw me-all of me, even parts I didn’t WANT him to see, and he showed me that God doesn’t give a flip what I look like, how much I weigh, how much I like hotdogs or whatever…Raphael, very much like God, loved ME- obesity, bad habits, stubbornness and all-but loved me too much to allow me to STAY in that mindset…that it was time to be free- free to study the scriptures, to broaden my mind to the fact that God can not be put in a box.  He can’t be captured in 5 or 6 Bible verses or stories told to death and having no power whatsoever. Raphael showed me who I am in God, in Christ.  He preaches to me nonstop-and I’m glad he does-because I learned a long time ago that whatever comes out of his mouth, for the most part, is GOING to happen- you can take it to the bank.

For a long time, I have complained about the church, always wondering why others couldn’t see what I see when I look at the church and what it’s allowed itself to become- the government’s whore. The second the first church got in bed with the government, allowing for tax breaks and all that stuff, it opened a Pandora’s box that hasn’t and never will be set right, primarily because it’s so commonly done by now that I doubt very many people even see it as abnormal,  much less WRONG AS TWO LEFT SHOES.

Even if this country was originally founded on “Christian principles” it no longer is… a Christian nation. In the hearts and minds of many, it probably still is but in a country where gay marriage is accepted, abortion, and all the other issues that take precedence in every political run, can anyone truly deny that this world is Caesars? This is not to say that gay marriage should be banned; it shouldn’t because this secular world makes up secular rules and the reasons for it being illegal in some states have less to do with “Christian” than it does with “Politics”. The same is true of abortion, regardless of my personal views. I don’t agree with 96% of the “Women’s Rights” movement even if periodically I benefit…for the most part, it was a disaster both in the church and in the home.

You know what Jesus said…”Render unto Caesar what belongs to Caesar- and to God, what’s God’s.” That’s not just referring to taxes and tithing, though that is what is preached. It refers to everything…the materialistic aspects of this world…that’s all Caesar’s stuff. That’s not to say that you can’t be a Christian and have “Stuff”…certainly you can.  But the stuff that Caesar has? That’s all God’s: the material they mine and drill for to make the products that man sells; the trees that are cut down to the extinction of forest after forest when HEMP could be used (and IT’S illegal!); the over-fishomg that bring so many people jobs. Everything that is made is God’s.

I’ve said all that to say this: the church has real issues to deal with, starting with cleaning out the inside of their own cup and then dealing with the denominational infighting. There are plenty of Christians out there who pick up the pipe and put sweet smelling herb in it and smoke a wonderful plant. There are those with the talent for making hash oil- and a love for people in their hearts- doing exactly what Jesus spent his ministry doing- ministering to the lost, the broken, the dying, the dead. So who are you to point your finger and say, because he/she doesn’t drop THE NAME, they are unsaved? First of all, it’s not up to you to decide- that’ s between him/her and the Lord. Second, if you are to have anything to do with said person, God will put him or her directly in your path. Otherwise, leave him or her alone. As God told Samuel so long ago, “Man looks at the outside but God looks at the heart”.

I’m not hiding anymore. I have no reason to be ashamed of the life I lead…the circumstances in which I find myself are beyond my control- never were IN my control and were not a product of my mistakes as was my life so long ago, before my emergence into a butterfly from chrysalis. The Federal government has jurisdiction over my physical being but my spirit is beyond their control. I pay taxes because God wants me to honor the state in which he has placed me and I do it as a sign of my faithfulness to God.  The motive is right, therefore, the action is right. I smoke herb because it’s my sacrament of choice. Just as churches have communion, so do I. In the end, I’ll stand before the judge and if possible, I’ll have a bowl of Headband to share with my Lord!

Living a Double Life