Working on Personal and Spiritual Growth

For months, I have sat back and observed myself struggling with my faith and in what direction it is supposed to be leading me. It began when I found out that Jesus, whom I have learned to love, idolize and assumeD to be God, was merely the re-creation of Horus, son of Isis and Osirus. I have been told repeatedly that it should not affect my view of God but I can’t wrap my head around it yet. I BELIEVE that God is still God and that, being my Creator, is the only one to be worshiped, but let’s face it, like so many raised in the church, I learned to worship Jesus. It’d be so much easier had I been raised with virtually no background and were, more or less, a blank slate!

For decades, I’ve been taught that Jesus was equal with God and was, in fact, God himself. How’s that work? Are you and YOUR father the same person? How can Jesus (if indeed he even existed) be both God’s “only begotten” AND “equal”? Did God come up with this first and then change and fashion his creation inTO a completely different manner than he, himself, came from? Are you both your father’s “begotten” and simultaneously “equal” with him or do you have to grow a bit and work on catching up to your father? 

Here’s why the Osirus/Isis/Horus issue makes sense to me: because it is relatable. Because Isis literally went to the ends of the earth to find her mate and caused a love child to be created between them even AFTER his death (seems to be a very very ancient precursor of artifical insemination, don’t you think?) Who doesn’t like a good romance??!There are enough questions that arise (for me, anyway) in proportion to the how’s/why’s and wherefore’s in relation to this whole issue for it to bear more thorough research to be a necessity. The subject of God as taught by Christians is neatly wrapped up and contained in a predicatable, neat little package complete with Jesus as the bow. There are few questions aside from which new rule and regulation we can throw before our fellow believers cleverly wrapped up in the pursuit of conversion, i.e. The Great Commission. The vast majority of Chrstians are completely ignorant of the fact that we do this, so entrenched in habit has it become. 

And to those who are Christians, I am not disregarding what you believe; if it’s what keeps you grounded and acting right, keep at it, just don’t be disrespectful towards what I’m saying if you percieve that my actions and behaviour and spirit are right in line with what God stands for. Despite my belief that the book known to millions is full of stories being passed off as history rather than metaphore, I don’t discount everything in it, either. Just being PEOPLE tells us how to live in relative harmony with those around us. Being kind to your neighbor, or to strangers when you could choose to react a different way, are both Biblical and PRACTICALprincipals to live by and can lead to very positive relationships. The point is that these attitude norms are for us as people, not per race, per difference but extends to the core of us, not just relearned behavior.

I know that I am in for a long struggle till I’m at a place in my life where disbelief is no longer an issue and acceptance – towards God, myself and my past – is how I wake up every day seeing and living. Right now, life is a series of opportunities, good and bad, and reprucussions (equally good and bad). One day after another until the end of your life. Probably 90% of the world is unaware of this because life for humans is like an ant farm: we get up, do what we do, see who we see, all without realizing WHY we’re doing it all. Is it just surface selfishness or is there a deeper reason for our behavior and choices? A few of us are critically aware that our choices and behaviors are part of a puzzle that is “Who am I”, a question I believe controls the entirety of our  lives. I want to be active in my life. Although forces and factors outside of my life control the direction it takes, I want to be as involved as I can be. Having been created with the ability to speak and write, I have a certain amount of responsibility to use it as much as I can. 

I no longer remember my original reason for writing this blog. I had edibles and I am tore up from the floor up, and am having a damn near AWESOME experiment. My thoughts are a jumbled mass of snippits vibing for control for use and domination. Wow, this is great! I doubt many read this. People are lazy and don’t want to invest so much of their time into spending the time to read when there are so many other ways. But if you do, I thank you so much for taking the time. Time and money are two things we never seem to have enough of. 

Working on Personal and Spiritual Growth

She Shouldn’t Have to Say Anything

The woman’s been through enough. From childhood through adulthood she has fallen down, been knocked over, mocked and through all the years has gotten back up every flipping time she was knocked on her ass.

Through all the years, she has amost always had one or two people in her life that she calls friends. This has been good. They’ve been there to listen, to talk to, to bitch to, to get into arguments with because let’s face it, no two people are the same and as they learn to communicate, the friendships that counted always lasted.

She grew up in a family that didn’t love her; rather, they were adopted her, doing their “religious duty” and although that served a specific purpose, it didn’t give her the security in her heart that most any and everyone craves, especially the girls and ladies. Missing that connection with her father and knowing her mother doesn’t love her, she gets kicked out into the world and tries to learn to acclimate to adult life. Due to the instability (emotionally) of her young life, her attempts to “act grownup” mostly lead her towards self destructive habits and fair-weather friends. There are so many more people in this world who’ll do what you want them to do because you have sex with them or because you buy the beer or … pick-a-reason whereas there are few who stay friends throughout the time of absence. The bad influences and temptations in our life far outnumber the positive ones. 

This lady had children, but can’t keep them; she has love in her life – amazing love – but periodically she has moments like this when she looks at her life and she wonders why everyone she’s ever known has forsaken her – why no one calls her, knowing she’s at home taking care of business. He needs her but SHE needs something or someone to call her up, ask if she’s ok. Does she need to go out and play? Go to the store, hang out, go for coffee…something. But no one ever does – they have lives and she feels guilty for feeling so alone and left out of life, work, etc.

She’s not waiting for entertainment – she jut wants to know she’s still relevant, still necessary, still fulfilling some purpose. Hoping and praying that her child didn’t die in vain, that the people in her life who used to be there, used to pick her up and take her out  or visit or whatever haven’t forgotten her. If it were a case of “Don’t know what to say” she’s understand but that doesn’t seem to be the case as those friends were with her through the tragedy.

Maybe it’s just one of those days or moments. One of those days and moments where one feels blue and questions everything. Yeah, most likely that’s it. It’s been raining for days and the sun has hardly shone and her boy is still dead and those brown eyes of his still haunt her. She is happy and jovial most of the time but her heart is still broken, even now, almost a year later. She hears of children graduating and rejoices in their progress even as she knows her little one should be in kindegarten right now and instead of putting him on the school bus, she walks by his memorial site which people keep visiting and occassionally put a new stuffed bear by his cross.

She is confident in her God. She is confident that her Creator loves her, guards her, corrects her when she’s wrong. He is her Dad  – her REAL Dad and He knows her pain, her misery, her sadness and He cares – despite the stuff going on with the world and global climate changes, the absolute moral decay, etc, He cares about her completely-as if she were the only thing on earth.

As she puffs on her Northern Lights bud, she realizes that as long as God’s in control – and  unlike so many these days, she doesn’t (not for a single second) believe God is anything but IN control- and she stops worrying about that stuff quite so much.

The long and short of it is this, she realizes. She has love, she has a roof over her head, she’s broke as hell but not homeless. A step up. A step forward. So what if she is lonely? It’s bound to happen. It’s GOING to happen. God knows what she needs. He won’t let it go too long before he supplies that need. She’s an extrovert. She needs people around her just as he needs solitude. She functions better around people. Staying home round clock is taxing but God is refining her. He is making sure she is ready – for what? No one seems to know but there’s no question that her life has been training, has always been training for it. Whatever it is.

By your grace, Lord, I am ready.

She Shouldn’t Have to Say Anything

Just Because You Can – Doesn’t Mean You Should

Malcolm As I write this, and largely WHY I’m writing this concerns Freddie Gray, the young man from Baltimore who was killed while in police custody. Police brutality is out of control and so are the reactions taking place. 

The United States Flag Allow me make a statement and then try to put something into prospective: just because a person is allowed to do something – doesn’t mean they should do it. Beyond that, let me say this: under no circumstances do I condone racism. It’s ugly, stupid and makes zero sense. I also do not condone police brutality. The police are supposed to be above racism, coersion and reproach but we’re inclined to forget that they are people, human and as subject to temptation, failure and success as we are, ourselves.

world-peace-debi-hammondI believe in peace. I’m also cognizant that peace is not always an option. In this case, by peace, I mean war versus peace – not inner peace which you can work to have whether the social/economic climate is peaceful or in upheaval as it is so heavily right now. 

10553821_10152163098551256_8278471907802352853_o Look, I don’t pretend to understand why people think the answer to events like the ones ending in the deaths of Michael Brown, Freddie Gray, and other’s who’ve suffered similar fates, at the hands of the police, is to go out and tear down their city. To not only destroy THEIR neighborhoods (as well as those around them – does anyone even care?) but those of other places as well. This isn’t about justice – justice would be holding those responsible accountable; what it IS about is people using senseless death as a means to anarchy.  

crack-cocaine-644x300 While we’re on the subject of taking care of our cit(ies), here’s a question: why can’t people put as much effort into cleaning up their neighborhoods as they do tearing it down when OTHERS mess it up? Why can’t we see what’s going so wrong and take appropriate steps to stop the violence, the anger, the hypocrisy (which is what this boils down to). These cities have been set on fire, vandalized and spoiled because of ONE individual – thousands become addicted to alcohol, heroin, cocaine, crack, you-name-it – and no one says anything. There’s no sense in hating the police. There’s no sense in tearing down the president, the other black leaders who really ARE trying to help (like the mayor of Boston who’s trying to bring her city under control). There’s no question that there are people who claim to represent, people like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson who’s primary concerns are their own wallets and having their faces plastered on the front page, who help no one. 

images We need to come together as one people, united in love for community country, God, whatever. I know the odds are against me and it likely won’t happen but hey, a girl can dream, right? Stop tearing down the city you choose – choose life over death, will you? 

My Signature

Just Because You Can – Doesn’t Mean You Should

What say you?

If you knew your child’s every breath was up to you to protect, would you change the way you parent? If you knew every word out of your mouth is stored in your child’s head, fusing with their ever-expanding vocabulary and self consciousness, would you change your parenting style? If you recognized your propensity for favoring one child over the other(s), would you change your parenting stye or keep making excuses? As I sit here by my son’s memorial cross, marking the spot where he was hit and killed and where I often go to sit and talk to him, I think about these things. The questions I ask are not multiple choice, they are rhetorical.

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I have all kinds of extra time to come up with pearls of wisdom these days lol. I have learned through my kids going into and through foster care and through death. Our children have never been in more danger than they are today. I wish I could do more to help others but my hands are full right now. I know that God will open the doors as I need to go through them. Nothing that happens in our lives is for no reason. We go through stuff so that we can help others who’ve gone through similar stuff. We’re all students of our own lives; some are cognizant of that, some are not. Both are needed in this world. Proverbs 22:6 says Train up a child in the way they should go and when they’re OLD they will not depart from it…The laws of the land are only as good as the people who live according to them and even then, we have the responsibility to decide whether those laws protect or hurt our kids in the long run (abortion is federally legal, cannabis is federally illegal but abortion kills children while cannabis can heal not only our kids but the earth they will inherit once we’re gone and they’re left to take care of what’s left of it). 

25745_340097196255_1291354_n Ish and the Stars

What say you?

It’s Simply Complicated

imagesThe further we progress in life, the more we divagate as people. Technologically, we keep progressing forward, we’re very good at doing these kinds of things. As people, for the most part, we’re abject failures. All too often, we can live next door to someone for decades with neither party being the wiser. A natural disaster, an apartment fire, or something equally negative is about the only thing that might happen, alerting you to the fact that you even HAVE neighbors, it seems like.

10553821_10152163098551256_8278471907802352853_oPersonally, I’m very much a people-person. My unrealistic side believes there’s hope for the devil; my practical side sees him as a necessary evil and my realistic side sees him as a major hindrance to spiritual growth. I appreciate technology and am grateful it exists (hence this blog Wink) but I ask myself whether or not I’d be able or ready to progress forward if it all crashed today, being brutally honest with myself. It’s a fair-and imperative-question to ask: who would thrive and be able to continue providing for their family if we had to return to the basics -and had no real, working concept of what that entails?

srvrWe have grown so used to watching shows like Survivor, Alaskan surviving programs and the like that we swear we’d know how to function but when the rubber meets the road, would we be really be able to make it post-apocolypse (so to speak)? I seriously doubt it, frankly. The predominant reason we would crash and burn is because we tend to forget these programs are at least mostly scripted whereas our involvement in a post apocolyptic would be entirely non-voluntary, not to mention a very rude awakening. For those of us who have lived pre-internet and remember when we used to walk and run and bend and stoop to do chores, we might have a chance but for this current and future generations, survival would be a very harsh reality.

images (1)We need to come back to where we could survive without technology. There are so many movies, television shows and documentaries surrounding this issue but to actually make it, we’d have to develop a little thing I call EXPERIENCE and that involves getting personally involved – with ourselves and with each other.

It’s Simply Complicated

Stop Building Bigger Barns; Re-learn to Share

A couple of days ago, my husband and i were at the doctor’s office. We were waiting for our ride back to our appointment, and were having a conversation about the economic gap between rich and poor, a very common conversation for us. What differentiated this conversation was an “aha” moment. As we talked, I mentioned how these mega churches were busy “building bigger barns” and that’s when my “aha” moment happened.

If you don’t recall the parable Jesus told, I will put it here for you all to read:

Luke 12

16 And he spake a parable unto them, saying, The ground of a certain rich man brought forth plentifully:

Luke Chapter 12: The Rich Man's Folly

The Rich Man’s Folly
Luke Chapter 12 : 16

17 And he thought within himself, saying, What shall I do, because I have no room where to bestow my fruits?

18 And he said, This will I do: I will pull down my barns, and build greater; and there will I bestow all my fruits and my goods.

19 And I will say to my soul, Soul, thou hast much goods laid up for many years; take thine ease, eat, drink, and be merry.

20 But God said unto him, Thou fool, this night thy soul shall be required of thee: then whose shall those things be, which thou hast provided?

21 So is he that layeth up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.

22 And he said unto his disciples, Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat; neither for the body, what ye shall put on.

23 The life is more than meat, and the body is more than raiment.

24 Consider the ravens: for they neither sow nor reap; which neither have storehouse nor barn; and God feedeth them: how much more are ye better than the fowls?

25 And which of you with taking thought can add to his stature one cubit?

26 If ye then be not able to do that thing which is least, why take ye thought for the rest?

27 Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

28 If then God so clothe the grass, which is to day in the field, and to morrow is cast into the oven; how much more will he clothe you, O ye of little faith?

29 And seek not ye what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, neither be ye of doubtful mind.

30 For all these things do the nations of the world seek after: and your Father knoweth that ye have need of these things.

31 But rather seek ye the kingdom of God; and all these things shall be added unto you.

32 Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

33 Sell that ye have, and give alms; provide yourselves bags which wax not old, a treasure in the heavens that faileth not, where no thief approacheth, neither moth corrupteth.

34 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

35 Let your loins be girded about, and your lights burning;

36 And ye yourselves like unto men that wait for their lord, when he will return from the wedding; that when he cometh and knocketh, they may open unto him immediately.

37 Blessed are those servants, whom the lord when he cometh shall find watching: verily I say unto you, that he shall gird himself, and make them to sit down to meat, and will come forth and serve them.

38 And if he shall come in the second watch, or come in the third watch, and find them so, blessed are those servants.

39 And this know, that if the goodman of the house had known what hour the thief would come, he would have watched, and not have suffered his house to be broken through.

40 Be ye therefore ready also: for the Son of man cometh at an hour when ye think not.

It has long bothered me that we have mega churches with so much poverty in this country. Yes, the poverty is everywhere but I live in the United States, so for the purposes of this blog, I will keep it “in my own backyard”. I believe it is encumbant upon the church to alleviate as much suffering as possible. It is dishonoring to God to hoarde what he has given and I pray that conviction will descend on these churches that are defying him to his face.

For those who ask, who are you? I say this, I am a watcher. I have no money, no fame, no fortune to my name. What I do have is a profound love for my God and my fellow man. Though imperfect, I am willing to do what I have to, to further the kingdom of God and am stepping out in boldness and faith. It takes a lot of courage to do anyting these days, to take a stand. All around us, people are opposed to any stand you take, if said stand goes against the word of God, whether one believes in it word verbatim or in it as a roadmap through life (they’ are not mutually exclusive) and makes you politically incorrect.

Taking care of our fellow man is not a matter of the law or the government, at least it shouldn’t be; it’s a matter of right and wrong, not an issue to be shoved off into the hands of people who don’t care one way or another. Because of the nature of our political landscape, it’s become a very cold world, and many, many people are dying and suffering who could be helped. There’s a huge discrepency between rich and poor. There are the 1%ers, as they say- those who own the majority of the money, the influence, and the property. Then there are the 99%ers – those who struggle to get by, pay for the lifestyle of the rich and famous (by going to see their movies, listen and buy their music, sport, etc.; and buy the products advertised, whether we need them or not), and, sadly, this is no different in the church than anywhere else.

To put things into perspective, let me show you what I mean:

Here’s a list of mega churches in this country and their numbers:

complete-list-mega-churches

None of this would not be a problem were it not for two primary issues that arise out of it. The first issue that arises is the discrepency between the rich and the poor. How can a preacher or pastor stand up and talk about God providing for us all when they’re hoarding the wealth, not paying taxes (as commanded by God – Render unto Caesar what belongs to Caesar…Mark 12:17) and so far removed from their people that they could probably have the same member for 20 years and never even realized that person exists past their initial joining. The second issue that arises is the impact that the mega church has on the world in general, which is already looking for reasons to dismiss God out-of-hand. Add a mega church into the mix with its cold, calculating, materialistic nature and who wants to join the family of God and what for when the options are 1) they don’t know you 2) they don’t care about you and 3) you’re only as valuable as the amount of money you sink into their organization (and if you don’t have any, they likely don’t know you even exist and so have no time for you at all). None of these reasons are representative of the God who’s supposed to care about us personally.

Don’t misunderstand me: I have no problem with people making money. I have no problem with wealth. If there wasn’t such a huge inconsistancy between rich and poor, I would say, do your thing but that’s not the case.

Consider this:

@s_1

Can a church claim to be fiscally responsible and preach about money to people when there is this level of poverty? Can they say that the level has nothing to do with them and that they should be able to accumulate all the wealth they want to when we’re supposed to be loving God and our neighbor as ourself?

As the body of Christ, we need to return to the basics. We are all, individually and collectively, responsible for each other. We’ve lost sight of this fact and we’ve drifted so far away from it for so long that we no longer regard our neighbor as our neighbor, but rather another person whom we decide whether or not we want to associate with depending on whether we “approve” or “disapprove” of their thoughts, lifestyle, or behavior. The fact that we’re family seems to have been forgotten.

So, what do I want to come about as a result of this post? In my mind, this is what I want: I want the church to either start paying taxes or to take the taxes that they WOULD be paying to invest in alleviating the homeless problem. There are a lot of creative people in this country – put your creativity into action. Stop hoarding and share. The only reason I wish I had resources would be to share. That’s it. You can’t take your wealth with you and when you go, you leave a lot of resources behind that could go to care for others.

I doubt anything will change although I stubbornly retain hope. I have faith in God; very little in man. My job is to be obedient to the urging of my Spirit, which I have done. What happens from hereon out rests with God. I learned a long time ago that sales, of any kind, is not my strength. Fortunately for me, God is alot bigger than I am and the Spirit is not bound by time and distance.

Remember, no man is an island. Share with your fellow man  and remember that if the shoe were on the other foot, you’d want others to share with you!

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Stop Building Bigger Barns; Re-learn to Share

Cannabis for Everyone

WP_20141020_13_36_57_Pro I can’t say this any plainer: cannabis needs to be rescheduled and reclassified from the top down. That means the White House down to the states down to the cities with uniformity all around.

545768_2970283702710_347753740_nI have been on a crusade for a decade to legalize. At the beginning, I confess, it was only because my husband had introduced me to this amazing plant and through usage of it, I learned the health (and psychological) benefits of it.

bullyCapitalism is a two headed dragon. On one hand, we can make money if we know the right people and have a head for numbers (i.e.fiscal genius). On the other hand, for those who have neither, we’re pretty much screwed. I didn’t set up the system and I think the system sucks. People should be on an even plain, especially when they’re willing to work for their food and shelter (the only true necessities we have). There’s nothing inherently wrong with making a profit, until making the profit becomes the end goal and one’s fellow man is left bleeding in the moonlight with his “friends” stepping over and on top of him as he lays there.

The Burning BushCannabis is a gift of God the Creator. Some believe in Him, others don’t, but that’s irrelevant. It’s a wonderful plant with a shitload of benefits. Benefits to cure cancer, benefits to help children, benefits to help thousands of diseases and ailments, including the soldiers we have returning from war with PTSD and missing and broken limbs – at a fraction of the cost of other medications where it costs $.50 a pill while they charge patients $500 a bottle. What kind of bullshit is this and why the hell is it allowed and no one says shit? No one wants to take a stance. No one want to be that person that others look at and call “Socialist” and all kinds of other names that people come up with to coerce someone into hanging out with the “popular kids”. Names that they call President Obama, the only person since Jimmy Carter trying to do any thing for us little people and they bastardize him for it! We talk out both sides of our mouths, of course, because all the time we’re trying to be all independent, we’re simultaneously trying to be like the others around us (Keeping up with the Joneses).

Loving TouchSometimes I feel like the only person on earth who gives a crap about things other than what people wear, or makeup or advancing “women’s rights” and all the other b.s. that makes up politics today is me and my husband. There may be one or two others that I know that care about other people (and caring about other people is the only reality that matters) but they are getting to be fewer and fewer.

world-peace-debi-hammondCannabis can hypothetically bring the world to peace. Although I don’t believe that there will ever be world peace in the sense that is commonly known (people are selfish by nature and must learn otherwise), I do believe that the cannabis lovers of the world can be at peace with one another if they stop trying to bully others into compliance just to further their agenda. People should be able to go to work, do their jobs and then go home and smoke their flipping brains out if they want to. They should be able to do so with he blessing of their primary care provider. They should be able to ingest it, put it in a bong, cook it in food. It’s an herb, people. They should be able to grow it at home or go to the store and get it without extortionary prices instead of hiding behind children (oh, but they’ll turn a blind eye to them huffing paint and glue with that It’s so dangerous for the kids rhetoric).

545768_2970283702710_347753740_nLegalize cannabis. Make our spokespeople listen to us. Remember that  the House & Senate are there, as well as the President and all elected officials of each city, state and county are there for US not the other way around. If you want something, fight for it! Of course, the only way for that to happen is for everyone to get in the same boat, on the same page; without that happening, not a damn thing will change.

Thank you for giving me a chance to stand on my soap box for a minute. soapbox (1)

To sign the “Full Legalization of Marijuana in the United States of America petition, click the link below:

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/full-legalization-marijuana-united-states-america/4J1C5skR

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/full-legalization-marijuana-united-states-america/4J1C5skR

Cannabis for Everyone

Living a Double Life

Ok, I’ve had it! For months now I’ve been living a double life so that, ironically, I didn’t offend anyone or, more Spiritually put, “put a stumbling block before the uninitiated”.

I’ve been contemplating writing this for a long time…then my husband came to me and said that it had just been mentioned on the radio that the reason that marijuana passed in Colorado was because not enough Christians showed up at the polling places and that’s why it got passed.

Pardon the expression, but who the heck are you? So, because I smoke a plant that God gave us, not only as an ingredient in holy oil mentioned specifically in Exodus as the above video explains but as an herb to help us connect directly with our God as it helps focus distraction (straight from cannabis plants), I can’t be a CHRISTIAN?.

I’m a child of God. I love him with all my heart and soul and would happily lay down my life for him. I also smoke herb- as often as possible. I’m not ashamed of it…so why am I being forced to live a split life? Two Twitter accounts, two Word Press accounts, Two Linked In accounts. It’s insane. Sure, I want to get a job some day and according to the law, especially the Federal law, I risk my whole career on a piss test by smoking a plant that, quite frankly, gets me through these long days of isolation and homelessness. So, do I stop smoking on the OFF chance that I find work-and allow the P.T.S.D. that I keep at bay with this magnificent herb to take over my life…OR do I keep on smoking and trust the God & Creator who made me to lead me and protect me, possibly putting me somewhere (GASP!), where I can SMOKE and WORK- in complete harmony and keep this pesky depression issue at bay? See, I used to be on medication (Zoloft) for the P.T.S.D. after finding out I had it following a three-day stint in a “rubber room” after almost throwing myself out a second-story window but settling for biting myself (so hard I almost took the edge of my hand off). I’d been doing it for years…who knew it was abnormal? Anyway, my counselor put me on it, had session after session with me (where nothing improved and the medication had me running around all day shaking like a Parkinson’s victim and almost constant lockjaw of the teeth- jaw either in lock position or chattering nonstop. People were forever asking me if I was freezing- and I wasn’t. That’s why I took myself off it and learned to cope-until I discovered a wonderful plant that was created by God, had wonderful healing properties and no side affects whatsoever!

You need to understand, I grew up in church, specifically in the Protestant Reformed Church, and by high school I knew there was something wrong with…something. At the time I thought it was SPECIFICALLY this denomination (I’m a lot more mature in Christ now so I know what the problem was and still is). It wasn’t but it wasn’t until I met the man I’m married to now, that I learned to understand the whole point in time in a better light. I learned my catechism, I memorized what seemed like millions (AND MILLIONS) of verses by the time I graduated- even became a member of the church in Edgerton, MN. I always wondered what was wrong with ME in those days…I knew I had a very tender conscience and never understood, since I felt so unworthy, why exactly that it bothered my conscience that I had a tender conscience.  Weighty questions…with no answer that I could bring before the church I was now a member in-why I felt such a NEED for a proper relationship with God-  being afraid of him was a norm- but felt wrong. This wasn’t “the fear of the Lord”…this was “the FEAR of the Lord” and before anyone taught me, I knew the difference.

After that, every church I became a member of brought me a little closer to the ultimate teacher-outside of God himself- and that was (to be) the man that I eventually married, Raphael Hameed. See, I SAW him heal- he healed me on numerous occasions. He was instrumental because he was practiced and experienced and because he LOVED me. Athma. A broken ankle. A broken spirit brought about by a life of bad choices, rejection, loss and heartache. He saw me-all of me, even parts I didn’t WANT him to see, and he showed me that God doesn’t give a flip what I look like, how much I weigh, how much I like hotdogs or whatever…Raphael, very much like God, loved ME- obesity, bad habits, stubbornness and all-but loved me too much to allow me to STAY in that mindset…that it was time to be free- free to study the scriptures, to broaden my mind to the fact that God can not be put in a box.  He can’t be captured in 5 or 6 Bible verses or stories told to death and having no power whatsoever. Raphael showed me who I am in God, in Christ.  He preaches to me nonstop-and I’m glad he does-because I learned a long time ago that whatever comes out of his mouth, for the most part, is GOING to happen- you can take it to the bank.

For a long time, I have complained about the church, always wondering why others couldn’t see what I see when I look at the church and what it’s allowed itself to become- the government’s whore. The second the first church got in bed with the government, allowing for tax breaks and all that stuff, it opened a Pandora’s box that hasn’t and never will be set right, primarily because it’s so commonly done by now that I doubt very many people even see it as abnormal,  much less WRONG AS TWO LEFT SHOES.

Even if this country was originally founded on “Christian principles” it no longer is… a Christian nation. In the hearts and minds of many, it probably still is but in a country where gay marriage is accepted, abortion, and all the other issues that take precedence in every political run, can anyone truly deny that this world is Caesars? This is not to say that gay marriage should be banned; it shouldn’t because this secular world makes up secular rules and the reasons for it being illegal in some states have less to do with “Christian” than it does with “Politics”. The same is true of abortion, regardless of my personal views. I don’t agree with 96% of the “Women’s Rights” movement even if periodically I benefit…for the most part, it was a disaster both in the church and in the home.

You know what Jesus said…”Render unto Caesar what belongs to Caesar- and to God, what’s God’s.” That’s not just referring to taxes and tithing, though that is what is preached. It refers to everything…the materialistic aspects of this world…that’s all Caesar’s stuff. That’s not to say that you can’t be a Christian and have “Stuff”…certainly you can.  But the stuff that Caesar has? That’s all God’s: the material they mine and drill for to make the products that man sells; the trees that are cut down to the extinction of forest after forest when HEMP could be used (and IT’S illegal!); the over-fishomg that bring so many people jobs. Everything that is made is God’s.

I’ve said all that to say this: the church has real issues to deal with, starting with cleaning out the inside of their own cup and then dealing with the denominational infighting. There are plenty of Christians out there who pick up the pipe and put sweet smelling herb in it and smoke a wonderful plant. There are those with the talent for making hash oil- and a love for people in their hearts- doing exactly what Jesus spent his ministry doing- ministering to the lost, the broken, the dying, the dead. So who are you to point your finger and say, because he/she doesn’t drop THE NAME, they are unsaved? First of all, it’s not up to you to decide- that’ s between him/her and the Lord. Second, if you are to have anything to do with said person, God will put him or her directly in your path. Otherwise, leave him or her alone. As God told Samuel so long ago, “Man looks at the outside but God looks at the heart”.

I’m not hiding anymore. I have no reason to be ashamed of the life I lead…the circumstances in which I find myself are beyond my control- never were IN my control and were not a product of my mistakes as was my life so long ago, before my emergence into a butterfly from chrysalis. The Federal government has jurisdiction over my physical being but my spirit is beyond their control. I pay taxes because God wants me to honor the state in which he has placed me and I do it as a sign of my faithfulness to God.  The motive is right, therefore, the action is right. I smoke herb because it’s my sacrament of choice. Just as churches have communion, so do I. In the end, I’ll stand before the judge and if possible, I’ll have a bowl of Headband to share with my Lord!

Living a Double Life