Living a Double Life

Ok, I’ve had it! For months now I’ve been living a double life so that, ironically, I didn’t offend anyone or, more Spiritually put, “put a stumbling block before the uninitiated”.

I’ve been contemplating writing this for a long time…then my husband came to me and said that it had just been mentioned on the radio that the reason that marijuana passed in Colorado was because not enough Christians showed up at the polling places and that’s why it got passed.

Pardon the expression, but who the heck are you? So, because I smoke a plant that God gave us, not only as an ingredient in holy oil mentioned specifically in Exodus as the above video explains but as an herb to help us connect directly with our God as it helps focus distraction (straight from cannabis plants), I can’t be a CHRISTIAN?.

I’m a child of God. I love him with all my heart and soul and would happily lay down my life for him. I also smoke herb- as often as possible. I’m not ashamed of it…so why am I being forced to live a split life? Two Twitter accounts, two Word Press accounts, Two Linked In accounts. It’s insane. Sure, I want to get a job some day and according to the law, especially the Federal law, I risk my whole career on a piss test by smoking a plant that, quite frankly, gets me through these long days of isolation and homelessness. So, do I stop smoking on the OFF chance that I find work-and allow the P.T.S.D. that I keep at bay with this magnificent herb to take over my life…OR do I keep on smoking and trust the God & Creator who made me to lead me and protect me, possibly putting me somewhere (GASP!), where I can SMOKE and WORK- in complete harmony and keep this pesky depression issue at bay? See, I used to be on medication (Zoloft) for the P.T.S.D. after finding out I had it following a three-day stint in a “rubber room” after almost throwing myself out a second-story window but settling for biting myself (so hard I almost took the edge of my hand off). I’d been doing it for years…who knew it was abnormal? Anyway, my counselor put me on it, had session after session with me (where nothing improved and the medication had me running around all day shaking like a Parkinson’s victim and almost constant lockjaw of the teeth- jaw either in lock position or chattering nonstop. People were forever asking me if I was freezing- and I wasn’t. That’s why I took myself off it and learned to cope-until I discovered a wonderful plant that was created by God, had wonderful healing properties and no side affects whatsoever!

You need to understand, I grew up in church, specifically in the Protestant Reformed Church, and by high school I knew there was something wrong with…something. At the time I thought it was SPECIFICALLY this denomination (I’m a lot more mature in Christ now so I know what the problem was and still is). It wasn’t but it wasn’t until I met the man I’m married to now, that I learned to understand the whole point in time in a better light. I learned my catechism, I memorized what seemed like millions (AND MILLIONS) of verses by the time I graduated- even became a member of the church in Edgerton, MN. I always wondered what was wrong with ME in those days…I knew I had a very tender conscience and never understood, since I felt so unworthy, why exactly that it bothered my conscience that I had a tender conscience.  Weighty questions…with no answer that I could bring before the church I was now a member in-why I felt such a NEED for a proper relationship with God-  being afraid of him was a norm- but felt wrong. This wasn’t “the fear of the Lord”…this was “the FEAR of the Lord” and before anyone taught me, I knew the difference.

After that, every church I became a member of brought me a little closer to the ultimate teacher-outside of God himself- and that was (to be) the man that I eventually married, Raphael Hameed. See, I SAW him heal- he healed me on numerous occasions. He was instrumental because he was practiced and experienced and because he LOVED me. Athma. A broken ankle. A broken spirit brought about by a life of bad choices, rejection, loss and heartache. He saw me-all of me, even parts I didn’t WANT him to see, and he showed me that God doesn’t give a flip what I look like, how much I weigh, how much I like hotdogs or whatever…Raphael, very much like God, loved ME- obesity, bad habits, stubbornness and all-but loved me too much to allow me to STAY in that mindset…that it was time to be free- free to study the scriptures, to broaden my mind to the fact that God can not be put in a box.  He can’t be captured in 5 or 6 Bible verses or stories told to death and having no power whatsoever. Raphael showed me who I am in God, in Christ.  He preaches to me nonstop-and I’m glad he does-because I learned a long time ago that whatever comes out of his mouth, for the most part, is GOING to happen- you can take it to the bank.

For a long time, I have complained about the church, always wondering why others couldn’t see what I see when I look at the church and what it’s allowed itself to become- the government’s whore. The second the first church got in bed with the government, allowing for tax breaks and all that stuff, it opened a Pandora’s box that hasn’t and never will be set right, primarily because it’s so commonly done by now that I doubt very many people even see it as abnormal,  much less WRONG AS TWO LEFT SHOES.

Even if this country was originally founded on “Christian principles” it no longer is… a Christian nation. In the hearts and minds of many, it probably still is but in a country where gay marriage is accepted, abortion, and all the other issues that take precedence in every political run, can anyone truly deny that this world is Caesars? This is not to say that gay marriage should be banned; it shouldn’t because this secular world makes up secular rules and the reasons for it being illegal in some states have less to do with “Christian” than it does with “Politics”. The same is true of abortion, regardless of my personal views. I don’t agree with 96% of the “Women’s Rights” movement even if periodically I benefit…for the most part, it was a disaster both in the church and in the home.

You know what Jesus said…”Render unto Caesar what belongs to Caesar- and to God, what’s God’s.” That’s not just referring to taxes and tithing, though that is what is preached. It refers to everything…the materialistic aspects of this world…that’s all Caesar’s stuff. That’s not to say that you can’t be a Christian and have “Stuff”…certainly you can.  But the stuff that Caesar has? That’s all God’s: the material they mine and drill for to make the products that man sells; the trees that are cut down to the extinction of forest after forest when HEMP could be used (and IT’S illegal!); the over-fishomg that bring so many people jobs. Everything that is made is God’s.

I’ve said all that to say this: the church has real issues to deal with, starting with cleaning out the inside of their own cup and then dealing with the denominational infighting. There are plenty of Christians out there who pick up the pipe and put sweet smelling herb in it and smoke a wonderful plant. There are those with the talent for making hash oil- and a love for people in their hearts- doing exactly what Jesus spent his ministry doing- ministering to the lost, the broken, the dying, the dead. So who are you to point your finger and say, because he/she doesn’t drop THE NAME, they are unsaved? First of all, it’s not up to you to decide- that’ s between him/her and the Lord. Second, if you are to have anything to do with said person, God will put him or her directly in your path. Otherwise, leave him or her alone. As God told Samuel so long ago, “Man looks at the outside but God looks at the heart”.

I’m not hiding anymore. I have no reason to be ashamed of the life I lead…the circumstances in which I find myself are beyond my control- never were IN my control and were not a product of my mistakes as was my life so long ago, before my emergence into a butterfly from chrysalis. The Federal government has jurisdiction over my physical being but my spirit is beyond their control. I pay taxes because God wants me to honor the state in which he has placed me and I do it as a sign of my faithfulness to God.  The motive is right, therefore, the action is right. I smoke herb because it’s my sacrament of choice. Just as churches have communion, so do I. In the end, I’ll stand before the judge and if possible, I’ll have a bowl of Headband to share with my Lord!

Living a Double Life

2 thoughts on “Living a Double Life

  1. Linda Williams says:

    I feel you Heidi !
    It seems as though you might have been born out of time. It seems that what is damned today, will probably replace the crackers and wine and become the future of getting in touch with our Lord tomorrow. But in the meantime, there you are! Like a fish out of water.
    Just be who you are and let the rest of the world catch up with ya!

    1. mrshameed says:

      Oh I will, Linda…got to be able to count on SOME things in this world or what’s the point of the constant struggle…couldn’t do it without friends and encouragers like yourself. Thanks so much!

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