Be Real & Be Yourself

I posted this April 4, 2011 to my account at http://blogs.fanbox.com/BlogContent.aspx?PageTimer_Request=1348611891765&pbid=1605107&bts=30. I want to share the contents of that post here on Word Press.

Why can’t anyone understand the stress that a homeless person/couple, particularly those with child/ren go through? Why are there tons of resources out there available but when a homeless person comes and wants to offer their own self to aid in their own mental health, the red tape goes up and said individual(s) can’t do anything but sit around and stew?

My husband and I are homeless.  Right now, today, we have a roof over our heads. I don’t know why, but the thought of going to a shelter gives me the  heebie-jeebies (regardless of the fact my we met in one- a shelter, that is). I sit here and berate myself for pride while all the long I’m not sure that’s the issue. I ask the Father to give me insite, go to church to see what’s available, then I feel guilty that I’m going for the wrong reasons. I sit there and listen to the pastor and the whole time, even as I absorb his words, I feel the urge to correct him on points that he makes (then, naturally, I feel guilty for doing/feeling that way cause isn’t he the preacher- the teacher? How dare I, an insignificant little gnat, comparatively speaking, think about knowing more than the pastor? I’m there for help-is that selfish or is that why I’m there. Even as I read this, my brain points out- You’ve used the word “I” multiple times. Isn’t this about him? That would GOD, btw.  Yes, it’s about God. Everything is about God. To me, that is like saying that grass is green; the sky is blue – no kidding. Suffice it to say that without GOD, I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t be alive or kicking or anything else- he made me so of COURSE this is about him!

All that doesn’t change my situation. I have a giving, loving heart. I want to give to others, to be used to help others but how can I do that when I’m so desperately in need myself? I go to the resource center this morning, where I type this, in point of fact, and sit here with my laundry drying and wishing I was somewhere else. Wishing that God would just reach down out of heaven and tap me on the shoulder and say, “Heid, this is what I want you to do and here are the resources you need…” That’s What I wish… What is actually happening is… WAIT FOR IT…. WAIT FOR IT… but wait for what? What am I doing? I go into the kitchen where one of the staff members has thrown out a beautiful blue dish with cheesy something in it that no one wants to touch or wash because it might get their hands wet, I guess.  I walk in there, bored out of my mind and see it laying in the trash! Wait a second, I’m thinking to myself, Isn’t this a resource center? “Faithful with the least” that’s my husband and my motto in our life- that’s what Jesus said- Be faithful with the least & I’ll make you lord over much. We’re still working on the first part- there’s no time to concentrate on the second while we’re looking for work, trying to figure out where we’re going to be tomorrow (then, at least in my case, there’s the ‘Take no thought for the morrow’ thing that Jesus said. My thought is, “Easy for you to say- you don’t have an 11 a.m. check out”. Yeah, me and God, we have that kind of relationship. He knows my insecurity; my beloved husband says I have no confidence and since we’ve been married for almost 6 years, together for 7, I figure he knows me as well, if not better, than I know myself.  I’m a female- my brain receptors don’t always line up straight. I’m tremendously aware of the fact that I am insecure; and so I almost always find myself being insecure about my insecurities. I know I’m a strong female- I survived 38 years, right? That’s saying something when you weren’t expected to survive your FIRST year!

I’m sure it’s apparent, my thought process goes everywhere. I’m not even smoking herb right now and I can barely keep my thoughts together. I’m waiting for laundry, worrying that my husband is freaking out because I’ve been gone so long and I’m a real person- I can’t keep my thoughts straight- they come in for a landing and leave again, like a pigeon- or a sea gull.  In and out, out and in; round and round. I’m supposed to live in victory and I’ve watched my God do some absolutely amazing things in my life. At any time I could get an influx of cash… or my family could be gone.  Life is chuck full of insecurity. I write these blogs completely aware that no one reads my stuff. I’ve written a book called View from Within the Spirit. It’s a story about my life; it’s my thoughts concerned certain movies and specific television shows. It’s my beautiful husband’s story. I hadn’t even meant for it to be a book- it just turned out that way. Two publishers; one who published it; one who didn’t. I bought copies of it when I had the funds to do so- now they’re all gone-spread out over the country even into Europe but only one copy  has been bought. Why? Am I bad writer? Is it boring? I like it but then again, I wrote it- be pretty pathetic if I didn’t, right?

God only knows what’s going to happen about my book. God knows if it’s going to sell, if I’ll ever recieve royalties from it. 96 copies remain needed for me to do that. I haven’t tried to sell the book to people- I’m no good at sales. Maybe that’s involved in my confidence thing. I don’t believe in self promotion. Not that I’m a bad person- in fact, I’m just the opposite -but because I just don’t think it’s my job to pat myself on the back. I figure that’s God’s job. His spirit is everywhere. He could have had  millions buy it by now. But he chose not to- why? I have no idea. I’m frustrated, bored, and even though I have 4 other books I’ve been working on (not lately), I just can not seem to get my brain stabelized enough to do any of them.

Well, I feel the end of my ramble coming. If you are reading this, God bless you. I knew a long time ago I probably won’t get rich any time soon- I don’t want to be- just comfortable enough so that I can provide for my family; my husband’s dream can come true and I can give back & help those less fortunate. I feel that God is teaching me a lesson- be careful what you wish for- money changes people- it brings out what’s already in you. If you’re a giving person, you’ll be generous; if you’re a stingy mofo, you probably won’t be and will be selfish with the money. Me, I just want to pay off my student loans, get my afairs in order- the Bible says to owe no man anything and that’s exactly what I want to do- be as faithful with the least as I can be. I’m not worried about the future- I’m not worried about my son inheriting my debt and all that- I have no intentions of him having to deal with it- assuming Jesus doesn’t come back as soon as I think he will.  I have to forgive myself; I have to love myself (it’s his command, not a suggestion but a command). I have to love my neighbor & my enemy. Easier said than done but not impossible or he wouldn’t have commanded it.

Alright, ya’ll. It’s about time to pull the laundry out of the dryer. I guess I’ll shut my motor (mouth) down for now. God is awesome- don’t let anyone ever tell you different and remember- if you’ve had words with him – and they haven’t been good ones- tell him you’re sorry. God’s not responsible for the evil crap in the world- he’s the only one keeping yours- and my- butt from sinking completely!

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Be Real & Be Yourself

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